


Miles To Go Before I Sleep

by writing_regen



Series: Holding The Universe Together Across My Shoulders [6]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Light Angst, Post-Episode: s12e10 The Timeless Children, Relationship Study, also her and jack need to have a CHAT, and shes got her fam to help her see that, and the doctor has hope, but shes the doctor, but thats for another time, now it is time she gets the rest she needs, the rest she deserves, thirteen is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-02-23 03:21:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23738209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writing_regen/pseuds/writing_regen
Summary: Allowing herself a moment to let some of the tension drip out of the line of her shoulders. A moment to soak up the ever rarer feeling of belonging standing in the TARDIS alone always afforded her. A moment to just be. Allow herself to exist outside of the sleepless nights, outside of reaching shadows calling out in voices she hadn’t heard in centuries that ate at her hearts, outside of the guilts and regrets and sorrows and uncertainties.Not the Doctor. Not the Oncoming Storm or the Destroyer of Worlds or the Timeless Child. Just a being with their hearts and home in the stars.----𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘰𝘥𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘰 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘐 𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor & Graham O'Brien, Thirteenth Doctor & Jack Harkness, Thirteenth Doctor & Ryan Sinclair, Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan & Graham O'Brien & Ryan Sinclair
Series: Holding The Universe Together Across My Shoulders [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1628440
Comments: 1
Kudos: 29





	Miles To Go Before I Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> uuhhhh i had the one word prompt "hope" and this is what happened hope you all enjoy.

“And you’re sure this is where it should be?”

The Doctor shot a look at her temporary companion, “I haven’t gone completely mad. When I first regenerated, couldn’t find the TARDIS for the life of me. Ended up in open space trying to track it. Course I put in a subroutine. If she’s been idle with no lifeforms on board for a certain amount of time, she’s supposed to send herself back here - where it’s safe. I mean…”

“Right. I got it, Doctor. Let’s go get her,”

She continued on as if she hadn’t heard him, “ - and the amount of times she’s nearly been picked for scrap! Scrap! My TARDIS! Ridiculous, really. Wouldn’t know worth if it were right in front of them -”

A hand touched her shoulder and she jumped, whirling about on her heel to be greeted by the sight of one Captain Jack Harkness, eyebrow raised and pulling his hand back to cross it over his chest, expression an odd mix of exasperation and sympathy, “Wh-” The last few moments caught up to her suddenly and she froze, frustration coloring her own features as she ran a hand through her hair (it was longer than she was used to, now laying loosely about her shoulders) “Oh! Right. Sorry. Still getting a bit used to having someone else there to actually interrupt. Well,” She shrugged a bit, “‘spose it’s best I get it out of my system now,” 

The sympathy in his expression edged into something closer to pity and she quickly turned back ahead, skin crawling. Hated being pitied. Gave her the same sort of feeling being underestimated did - like she had to prove that she was better, that she was alright so they’d just  _ stop looking at her like that _ . Happened in this body much more than she was used to. 

“Right! Anyway. Should be just around the corner and in the little alleyway there. Couldn’t just leave it in plain sight, now could I?” 

And maybe, if she acted like she was alright for long enough, she’d start to believe it too. 

She could tell he had something more to say on the subject, but didn’t give him the chance before she set off, marching forward with a deep determination that outweighed the weary and shaky exhaustion pulling at her bones. Plus she really couldn’t wait much longer to be reunited with her ship. The cold numbness at the back of her mind where the warmth of the psychic link had been one of the hardest things to deal with in the past months - too far to pull on the comfort of what she’d come to view as the only place that had ever really been home. 

Turning the corner and seeing the dingy old blue was a breath of fresh air, and it was all she could do to get to the ship’s side and gently rest one hand against the woodwork. The moment the two made contact, the link flooded back through her mind and she almost felt whole again. She barely bit back a sob as she leaned her forehead on the exterior, feeling the life and humming beneath her fingers, letting the warmth flood through her thoughts and soothe some of the hurts and push sparks back into flames that had fallen to be little more than embers. 

It was the closest she’d ever known (and probably ever would know) to the feeling of coming home, “Yeah… yeah, I missed you too. I’ll be alright, promise. Don’t need to worry about me,” She murmured when a pulse of worry echoed across the link. 

“Do I need to give you two a moment alone?”

“You didn’t have to follow me, you know,”

“Course I did! It’s what a gentleman would do,” 

Pushing herself upright she turned back to face him, “And you’re a gentleman since when?”

“I - ok, yeah, fair enough,” Jack acquiesced, “But seriously, Doc. I wanted to make sure you were alright. Because, no offense, you look awful. And I know the kinds of effects places like that can have on a person,” 

He’d picked her up from the prison she’d ended up in. Seemed all too pleased with himself about it and had spent the majority of the trip back trying to get her to tell him how she’d wound up there. Eventually, he’d picked up on the hint it wasn’t a light-hearted story, and what information she did have she wasn’t really willing to share yet. That was when the looks had started. The worry. She despised being worried over, did everything in her power to hide anything that could cause it.

It was the same sort of look she was being faced with now. She took a deep breath and blew it out, pushing the dull anger and exasperation down into a tiny locked box in the corner of her mind where she could ignore them. She couldn’t blame him, really. Knew she looked and acted like a right mess. Being alone had never agreed with her, and she’d just spent the last however-long in forced isolation. It was a natural reaction.

She let the ghost of something like a smile curl the edges of her features, “I’ll be alright. Thanks though. I’ve got the TARDIS now, and some people I need to visit. But,” She straightened her shoulders and leveled Jack with a hard look, “no disappearing for centuries. We need to have a chat, as I’m sure you’re aware,” His expression sharpened in turn and he nodded.

They had lots to discuss, and he was only aware of some of it.

“Good. Then, with that, it’s been a pleasure. Sure I’ll be seeing you soon,” She pushed open the doors to the TARDIS and looked over her shoulder as he answered,

“Always, Doctor. I’ll be seeing you around,”

And they both disappeared into their respective ships. 

The TARDIS interior was familiar. The console room was washed in a warm amber light, pulsing faintly alongside the low hum of the ship’s heart, something she could feel in her own hearts as much as she could hear it. Walking up to the console settled something in her, and she took a moment to let her eyes flutter shut, palms resting on the edge of the controls, just breathing.

Allowing herself a moment to let some of the tension drip out of the line of her shoulders. A moment to soak up the ever rarer feeling of belonging standing in the TARDIS alone always afforded her. A moment to just be. Allow herself to exist outside of the sleepless nights, outside of reaching shadows calling out in voices she hadn’t heard in centuries that ate at her hearts, outside of the guilts and regrets and sorrows and uncertainties.

Not the Doctor. Not the Oncoming Storm or the Destroyer of Worlds or the Timeless Child. Just a being with their hearts and home in the stars.

A soft breath and she opened her eyes. Everything was unsure and her next step could send what little foothold she had crumbling, but… well, she had some people she owed a visit. She didn’t want to be alone any longer.

Inputting the coordinates and pulling levers and switches was second nature, something like nerves settling in her stomach. Last she’d seen of them wasn’t one of her proudest moments. Angry and betrayed and grief-stricken, she hadn’t been kind.

She just hoped they could forgive her. It was the first step to one day being able to forgive herself. 

The telltale wheeze of engines announced the rematerialization sequence and she blinked out of her thoughts, shaking out her limbs and mustering up any energy she could find. She couldn’t let them see how shaken she’d been - still was. She’d spent a long time with her regrets and the new information she was determined not to ruin them like she’d ruined so many others.

The street she stepped onto was quiet. 

It was dusk, the last edges of sunset staining the horizon a hazy orange, while the rest of the sky was slowly beginning to unfurl a beautiful tapestry of stars. She quickly averted her gaze from that particular sight, orange staining the images in her mind with fire and twin suns and the sting of an age-old betrayal.

Instead, she focused on the sight of the home ahead of her, warm yellow light spilling out of the windows and speaking of the life inside. 

“Right. This is fine. It’s fine! Why are you so nervous, Doctor? They’re your fam!” 

Nodding to herself she crossed the street, blaming the way her hands shook on the fact she hadn’t exactly been in the best of care. 

Knocking on the door she heard muffled voices through the wood and bounced on her toes, hands clasped loosely behind her back. She wouldn’t particularly blame them if they slammed the door right back in her face. She just really, really hoped they didn’t. She was desperate for faces that didn’t come attached with a heavy dose of guilt right about now.

When the door did open, she was greeted with the sight of Graham, and a series of features flashing across his features so fast she couldn’t place them all. Confusion, relief, worry, joy.

“Is that really you, Doc?” 

“Hi,” She greeted with a little wave, and before she could get much else out, there was a sudden swell of other voices from behind Graham and she was ushered into the home. 

Too much was being said at once for her to pick out much of anything, but apparently, it didn’t matter much, because soon enough she found herself sandwiched at the heart of a tangle of limbs in a strange group hug. She wasn’t the biggest on physical touch normally, still rather flighty and uncertain of what to do with it, but after so long spent with just cold stone to keep her company, the sudden rush of warmth and heartbeats in her ears and something meant just to be kind was nearly overwhelming. 

Letting out a laugh that was more watery than she’d ever care to admit, she let herself all but melt into the contact, the same sort of belonging settling over her that she’d come to associate with  _ home.  _

When the group managed to untangle, she knew the questions were about to begin and braced herself.

“We thought you were dead!” Yaz.

“Yeah, not quite. Made it out, then ended up in jail. Remember the whole thing with the Judoon? Guess they reopened the case, and this time around guess I counted,” 

“Mate, how long’s it been? You look awful, and your hair’s grown out,” Ryan.

“Few months? Not sure. Didn’t really have a night and day cycle so it was hard to tell. Not that long, considering how long I’ve been around. Keep saying I look awful, might start to take it personally. How about for you lot?”

“Six weeks exactly. Are you alright, love?” Graham. And the stickler question.

She wrinkled her nose, “Me? I’ll be fine. Really good at bouncing back from things, I am. Practically my specialty. Actually, I might have a degree in something like that. Lose track sometimes, get loads of ‘em when I get bored,”

She watched the three exchange glances, and apparently agree on something (had they always been able to do that?), because Yaz stepped forward next, something soft and fond in her expression, “Well Ryan’s right. You do look proper awful. Come on, we were just having some snacks and were about to watch a movie. Started doing it weekly since we got back, keep the fam together in case - when - you came back,” 

The Doctor winced a bit. Ah, there was the guilt. 

Still, she followed them over to the living room, letting herself get sandwiched in the center of the couch between the three, as Graham threw an oversized blanket over the group. She didn’t have the energy to fight where they were herding her and she didn’t particularly care to, finding herself sinking into the warmth. 

Some sort of movie was put on, the lights already dimmed and the sound of quiet chatter and overly-dramatic filled the room. She wasn’t paying much attention to any of that, instead focused on the feeling of the fam - no, her family - sitting around her, safe and alright.

Welcoming her back with open arms in a way she hadn’t even dared to hope for. 

The Universe was vast. Wild and unpredictable and filled with awful hidden things in the shadows. But it was also made of light. It was built on hope and sustained by love. Maybe she found herself stuck in the darkness between sometimes, but as long as she had someone by her side to pull her back into the wonder of it all, she’d come out alright. She hoped she could show them enough of the Universe so they could fall in love with it the way she had - with its unity and resilience and how beautiful it was that any of them could be there to experience it.

She felt herself drifting off, and for the first time in a long time, didn’t fight the feeling. Didn’t worry about what sights would greet her when she closed her eyes. Instead, she embraced the feeling, let it wash through her weary bones and tired thoughts like the calm of a still ocean. A balm on her racing thoughts. Beside her, she distantly felt Yaz shift, looping her arm around the Doctor’s shoulders and pulling her a bit closer so her head rested comfortably on her shoulder. On her other side, Graham pulled the blanket up a bit higher on her body, saying something she couldn’t decipher in a soft quiet voice.

She felt almost terrifyingly loved.

Yeah, she’d be alright eventually. She was sure of it now. How couldn’t she be, with her fam by her side?

_ The woods are lovely dark and deep _

_ But I have promises to keep _

_ And miles to go before I sleep  _

**Author's Note:**

> i made a video to go along with this story!
> 
> https://youtu.be/_7Fd_fC6y5E
> 
> check it out! :)


End file.
